From the summer of 2018 to the fall of 2020, right before The Dark Night of the Soul, the day God gave me enlightenment and began answering my prayers about specific doctrines in the Bible was the same day I started losing my mind to delusions again. I believe this was due to a spiritual tug-of-war between God and Satan. It was the most chaotic period of my life after meeting God—so much confusion and so many answers came all at once. On one side, there were delusions that confused and condemned me, and on the other, there were God-incidences—divine or miraculous coincidences, unexpected moments that seemed almost too perfectly aligned, leaving me astonished by the sheer wonder of how everything unfolded. These God-incidences assured me that God was with me. Many of these coincidences were God's way of answering my questions or reassuring me that I was His daughter.
Diary excerpt when I started to get enlightment and confirmation from God:
After God gave me that enlightenment, He began to speak to me through Scripture. The verses would either answer a question I had on my heart or offer encouragement during difficult times I was going through.
Some of these delusions were bizarre and condemning. For instance, I believed we were supposed to worship trees because the Bible is God's word, and since the Bible is made from paper, and paper comes from trees, I thought that meant we should worship trees. Another delusion involved my sister's stuffed animals—they seemed to be alive and lost souls trapped in them. I wanted to buy the stuffed animals and give them to the children at the daycare I worked at so the souls wouldn’t be lonely. I also believed I was a doll owned by a mechanical alien boy who constantly urged me to do terrible things, like hurt my sister or myself, just to see if I would obey. In one instance, I thought I was in a video game, specifically The Sims, and if I turned off my computer, I would cease to exist.
The more condemning delusions were darker. At one point, I believed God no longer wanted me because I chose Christ over Him (which I now know makes no sense). I thought I was destined to suffer in an endless ambulance ride as punishment for my anger toward God. I also had delusions where I believed God was commanding me to hurt myself, like stab my eye or cut my tongue, and even though I attempted some of these things, I was miraculously unharmed. It seemed as though God was protecting me.
Other delusions were tied to my family. I constantly feared my sister was going to die, whether from a train or from burning in our apartment, and I thought it was my duty to save her. I also had a delusion where I believed I had caused the extinction of dinosaurs, thinking their souls had become human but could never be fully revived. There was even a delusion where I thought the sun had been the life source of the dinosaurs, and by removing the sun, I had destroyed them.
In another delusion, I thought the devil created animals and was responsible for their deaths. I believed I needed to stop people from eating animals by making sacrifices, and one of the sacrifices I was told to make was to kill my sister.
Excerpt of my diary about how felt after having delusions:
During this time, I also believed I was trying to escape from hell, but the more I tried, the worse it became. I imagined being whipped endlessly as punishment, with a line of people waiting to take turns. There were even delusions where I thought God had decreed that I could never have children. I pleaded with Him but felt like I was being condemned to a life of nothingness. This led to an incident where I believed God was commanding me to leave my husband, walk outside half-naked, and shame myself. I obeyed these thoughts at the time because I genuinely believed they were from God. I also believed if I didn't obey them, God would abandon me. There were other moments when I believed God was commanding me to perform actions that, while not dangerous, were deeply distressing. One such instance involved bowing on the sidewalk in plain view of passersby, leaving me feeling vulnerable and exposed. In another, I baptized myself by jumping into a river, a decision that felt both impulsive and confusing. Additionally, I once roamed downtown in search of a future husband (this was before I was married.) These experiences left me grappling with the tension between my faith and the unsettling nature of these commands, making it challenging to discern whether they were genuine divine instructions or reflections of my own inner turmoil.
Many times, when I believed I was condemned, it filled me with such overwhelming anger and despair that I became consumed by malevolence. I felt as though I had no hope for redemption, and that darkness led me to burn with hatred, not just toward myself but toward others as well. In my mind, if I was destined for Hell, I wanted to drag others down with me, thinking there was no escape or light left for any of us. It was a twisted reflection of the pain and hopelessness I was feeling at the time.
Unfortunately, the enemy would often send me condemning signs. Once, I opened a fortune cookie that read, "Nothing was, to the nothing is, nothing." In one of my delusions, I believed God had told me I could have nothing, and my mind immediately connected this fortune to that delusion, making me feel as if I might be doomed. There were also moments when the enemy, whom I mistook for God, would give me seemingly good but unbiblical and rushed signs and commands. Within just a few hours, these messages quickly turned into condemnation, leaving me trapped in confusion and despair.
There were times when I would hear voices that I believed were God encouraging me, and other times, I would hear a voice that I thought was God condemning me. Occasionally, the voice would just provide me with information.
Then there was a moment when I woke up with a song in my head that I hadn’t heard or thought about in months. When I later went to church, the choir happened to be singing that very song. I knew this was no coincidence; it was God showing me He was still with me.
At the same time, I was dealing with physical pain—burning sensations on my skin and a relentless headache that was ongoing and it eventually it lasted nearly a year with almost not stopping. The head stop twice for about a week each time. I also experienced painful, dissatisfying sexual intercourse with my husband, which made me feel like I was being punished.
Amidst all the confusion, I struggled with biblical topics like the true Sabbath, anfwhether I could watch fantasy films. My scrupulosity fueled constant worry and overthinking, especially about modesty, head coverings, and biblical practices. I was unsure of what to believe, even after studying the Bible, with so many different interpretations in Christianity.
One area I questioned was abortion. While on the bus, I saw a post about balut (a delicacy involving a nearly developed bird embryo), which disgusted me and made me reflect on the sanctity of life. Later, I talked to my husband about how his mother had considered an abortion but chose to keep him, reinforcing the value of life. That same day, the mystery book I was reading from a pastor, revealed the characters had been aborted, which felt like a sign from God, guiding me to understand the importance of life.
Another significant issue I grappled with was overwhelming sexual urges, which I believe were caused by an incubus. This struggle began during my first year in college and persisted for years. The sensation was a burning, uncomfortable feeling that would often compel me to give in, resulting in a complex mix of release and pain, intertwined with fleeting moments of pleasure.
My diary excerpt of how I suffered from the intrusive sexual sensations: